THE KISS;

OR,

THE FREAKS OF CHRISTMAS DAY.

———
CANTO FIRST.
———

SINCE war can raise no more the Poet’s song,
Nor tales of battle to his verse belong;
Since glory’s cause no longer leads the fight,
Nor heroes’ deeds heroic strains excite;
An humbler theme now animates the lay,

And numbers wake ‘The Freaks of Christmas Day,’
Those freaks which can or youth or age inspire,
And bid alike each care and grief retire. [Page 49]
    In that famed town where chilling blasts and snow
Create, in wintry days, its greatest woe,

And drizzling fogs that creep along the main,
In June’s declining day its only pain;
A house, erected by a skilful hand,
Denotes the pride and riches of the land.
This noble mansion, built for men of state,

And destined only for the rich and great,
In turn, was by a gallant knight possessed,
Who fought and bled to set the world at rest.
    In joyous seasons, such as Christmas time,
Gambols and freaks are known in every clime.

To please the knight, a gay selected few
Here met together for an hour or two,
On Christmas night, each anxious to impart
Those simple pleasures that engage the heart.
Two or three ladies here those charms displayed,

That ever by chastest minds portrayed:
Three or four Colonels, men of high degree,
Now mixed in social bonds of unity; [Page 50]
Captains and doctors kindly figured here,
And sons of nobles of the highest sphere.

    In pleasing converse fast the moments flew,
While different stories different joys renew;
Till tired of talking, Richmond’s heir proposed,
By Christmas gambols that the year be closed.
Agreed, agreed, cry all with loud acclaim,

And Blind-man’s-buff shall be the sportive game.
Yet now distracting thoughts perplexed each mind,
Whose eyes should first to darkness be resigned.
Nor long this doubt to mar the sport remained,
For soon a willing victim was obtained.

“Behold in me!” the great Mercator cries,
While shouts of joy and laughter shook the skies,
“In me, behold a candidate for fame,
Nor doubt my knowledge of this youthful game.
In childhood’s season many a happy day

I’ve passed in this diverting noisy play,
My power shall then your wishes realize,
My arms encircle, and obtain the prize.” [Page 51]
    And now, behold, a gay bandanna bound
Mercator’s eyes, and darkness spread around.

By Richmond’s heir in solemn silence placed,
The circle’s centre soon his presence graced;
There stood attentive to those known commands
Which Blind-Man’s-buff in every age demands.
“Come, pick up pins!” his noble leader cries,

“There are none here,” he readily replies;
“Then pick up needles!” “them I cannot find,
Can men see pins and needles where they’re blind?”
“How many horses does your father own?”
“Two white, two black, and one a handsome roan;”

“Then black, or brown, red, sorrel, white, or grey,
Turn round three times, and catch whom e’er you may.”
    As thus Mercator turned three times his head,
Ladies and lords in each direction fled.
With arms extended now he groped his way,

Like one whose optics ne’er beheld the day; [Page 52]
From side to side his wandering steps retraced,
And gently tables, chairs, or doors embraced;
While titter, laugh, and joke on every side,
Increased the sport which his mistakes supplied.

Now fate determined and Mercator’s will,
Whose bad success had argued want of skill,
No longer should his prowess be delayed,
No more his hopes by doors or chairs betrayed.
Some guardian angel whispered in his ear,

Turn to the right, be quick, the sofa’s near,
He turned, and lo! ’mid laughter, roar, and fun,
He seized the daughter of the brave O’Dunn;
And while in struggling attitudes he pressed
Her graceful form with rapture to his breast,

Imprinted on her cheek his lips obtained
The great reward his deeds of darkness gained.
“Oh! Albyn, Albyn,” as he snatched the kiss,
Exclaimed the fair one, “can you suffer this?
My lord, my life,” and tears suffused her eyes,

“By yon bright Heaven, no,” her husband cries, [page 53]
“The man who dares insult a virtuous wife,
Must meet that insult with his forfeit life.
Come, come, my love, no longer here remain,
Assauge your sorrow and your grief restrain.”

    How shall the muse describe or how impart,
The sudden change that overwhelmed each heart.
In speechless silence here Mercator gazed,
There colonels, lords, and captains stood amazed!
For dire dismay each anxious heart oppressed,

And dreadful horrors every mind possessed.
The knight, at length, the fearful silence broke,
While all attentive listened as he spoke:
“Stay, Albyn, stay, allow me to explain,
And thus remove the cause of all your pain;

In every clime where Christmas freaks are played,
And childish games the sports of men are made;
When Blind-Man’s-Buff each joyous heart inspires,
The same success the same reward acquires.
I’m grieved to think that any thing to night

Could cause the least repression of delight, [Page 54]
My friend Mercator, I must truly say,
Has been the cause of this unhappy fray,
Yet have I known him long, and dare assert
His worst of thoughts would never harm or hurt,

Possessed of honour and of soundest sense,
His manly soul would scorn to give offence;
His heart ne’er felt, I can with truth declare,
A wish to injure or insult the fair.
Come then, forgive him, and let friendship cast

Oblivion’s sacred mantle o’er the past.”
    He ceased,—the modest fair one then addressed
The astonished crowd, and thus her thoughts ex­pressed:
“Dear to my heart is an unblemished name,
And dearer still a virtuous woman’s fame;

My heart in every case a wish could feel,
Each fault to pardon, and each wrong conceal,
But, since I met affront in other’s view,
Be that affront appeased in public too; [Page 55]
To-morrow’s sun shall see assembled here,

A court of ladies, who my case shall hear,
Their justice then, and wisdom shall decide,
What’s due to an offended woman’s pride.”
    Mercator heard unmoved his hapless fate,
Then sadly slow retired disconsolate,

While lords and captains to their beds repair,
And lose in sleep the weight of every care. [Page 56]

THE KISS;

OR,

THE FREAKS OF CHRISTMAS DAY.

    THE sun now rose in splendid brightness o’er
The snow-clad heights of Nova Scotia’s shore,
With wintery lustre ushered in the day,
To guilty mortals pregnant with dismay.
Behold a court of married ladies held,

In youth and beauty’s charms by none excelled,
To try the merits of a lady’s case,
And seal Mercator’s credit or disgrace. [Page 59]
To rule their actions and their conduct guide,
See, Maida, first elected to preside.

The beauteous Maida, whose sweet tempered mind,
Some angel fashioned, or some god designed;
Whose gentle manners, unaffected grace,
Still added lustre to her beaming face.
Xariffa, next in youthful bloom appears,

The fair and lovely mover of our tears;
Whose winning smiles unconsciously impart
The truth and goodness of a virtuous heart.
By charming looks and native virtue graced,
On her right side the pretty May was placed,

And next, sweet Leila, in herself displayed
The charms of many a fair and tender maid.
To take the left, see graceful Thais named,
Thais, for youth and beauty highly famed.
Close to her side in roseate bloom was seen,

Divinely bright, the “vexed Bermoothes” Queen.
Another seat to Bella was assigned,
Whose generous heart to kindest deeds inclined, [Page 60]
Still laboured for the humble poor’s repose,
Their wants relieved and solaced all their woes.

Myra, the fair, the last left seat obtained,
While Chloe’s graceful form the right maintained.
To guard the rights of every prisoner’s cause,
A claim admitted by their wholesome laws,
Hinda, the wise Judge Advocate became,

And fitter none in all the rolls of fame.
    With anxious fear and trembling hope oppressed,
The fair accuser thus the court addressed:
“Ye honored ladies, who this court compose.
Permit my humble efforts to disclose

The painful reasons that have led me here,
And bid me in your presence now appear:
Last night were met a gay selected few,
To please the knight, and waste an hour or two,
When all proposed a game of Blind-Man’s-Buff,

For children’s play a pretty game enough,
As I and Hallie on the sofa sat,
Engaged in converse and familiar chat, [Page 61]
The odious prisoner thinking it no harm,
Came slyly up, and caught me by the arm,

And while I tried and struggled to get free,
Oh! matchless deed! he snatched a kiss from me.
Dear to my heart is an unblemished name,
And dearer still is a virtuous woman’s fame,
To your great justice, therefore, I appeal,

And trust your judgment will this insult heal;
Then let your power and wisdom now decide
What’s due to an offended female’s pride.
To prove my charge let Hallie here repair,
She saw it all, and can its truth declare.

    Before the court the pretty Hallie rose,
While modest softness in each feature glows,
And said; “she could not certainly declare
Whether or not the prisoner kissed the fair;
She thought that in the bustle of the throng

Mercator’s lips,—but still she might be wrong;
For in the midst of so much joy and fun,
She hardly knew herself what deed was done. [Page 62]
She only saw if she retained her place,
She’d soon be subject to his kind embrace,

To cheat his hopes she therefore turned away,
And then her friend became Mercator’s prey.”
    The court, amazed, in solemn silence heard
This charge against the prisoner preferred,
With deep regret they heard the witness too,

Declare the accusation just and true,
    “Oh, all ye ladies, who this court compose,”
Exclaimed the lovely Maida as she rose,
“And please to speak one only at a time,
What punishment is due to this great crime?”

“Hold, hold,” the grave Judge Advocate replied,
“In haste condemn not, nor unheard decide;
First, let the court the prisoner’s story hear,
That claims in justice your attentive ear;
Perhaps, he may, when placed on his defence,

Refute the charge or palliate the offence.”
    Beneath the pressure of a thousand fears,
The sad dejected prisoner now appears, [Page 63]
Before this great august tribunal stands,
And trembling, listens to its high commands.

     “Mercator, hear! and learn it undismayed,
Against you here a dreadful charge is laid.
Our gentle Albyn has declared that you,
And which our lovely Hallie swears is true,
Unmindful of our modest female laws,

And careless of our high and chaste applause,
Last night embraced her in your hateful arms,
And robbed her cheek of all its fairest charms.
Could you, forgetful of your rank in life,
Thus injure and insult a virtuous wife?

Could you, regardless of our high decree,
Thus overwhelm the pride of modesty?
Speak out, let manly truth your accents guide,
Impartial justice shall your cause decide.”
    A graceful bow the attentive silence broke,

And thus in faltering terms Mercator spoke:
“Far from my heart be every low pretence,
To prove or render doubtful this offence. [Page 64]
No, lovely fair ones, whose august decree
This awful day condemns or sets me free,

By all my hopes of earthly bliss I swear,
I ne’er intended to insult the fair.
In boyish hours, and manhood’s brighter days,
I’ve oft indulged in Christmas freaks and plays,
When Blind-Man’s-Buff our Scottish girls inspired,

The same success the same reward acquired;
And when, last night, I snatched the struggling kiss,
I felt unconscious that I did amiss;
But since my youthful deeds such pain impart,
And cause such anguish to a tender heart,

Oh, could this fault your pardon once obtain,
My lips should ne’er solicit it again:
Then in your wisdom I repose my cause,
May justice govern, mercy guide your laws.”
    The court was clear’d, unseen the Muse remain’d.

And thus their grave proceedings she obtained.
“Oh, all ye ladies! who this court compose,”
Exclaimed the lovely Maida as she rose, [Page 65]
“And please to speak one only at a time,
What punishment is due to this great crime?

How vile a deed it is to kiss the fair,
And married too, you must be well aware.
Mercator has declared with manly sense,
He did not mean to give the least offence,
And though I feel in every way inclined

This fault to pardon with a willing mind,
We should, I think, some strong example make,
That forward men may learn by this mistake,
If they infringe our sacred female laws,
And act unmindful of our chaste applause,

Our power unbounded and our high decree
Can plunge their hearts in endless misery.
Then let each member in her turn decide,
What’s due in justice to our injured pride,
Speak first, thou lovely mover of our tears,

What punishment to you most fit appears?”
“Suppose,” Xariffa cried, mild, meek, and sage,
We black his face, and send him on the stage.” [Page 66]
“Oh, dear me, no!” exclaimed the pretty May,
“What? let him come before us in a play!

Believe me, ladies, if I had my will,
His presence soon should grace a Treading Mill.”
“There is,” said Leila, “in the Artillery Park,
A great, big mortar, monstrous black and dark,
I’d put him in it for a week or two,”

“Oh, yes,” said Bella, “that indeed will do.”
“I think,” replied the ‘vexed Bermoothes’ Queen,
“At balls and plays he should no more be seen,
Beneath my roof he never shall appear,
With my consent at least for half a year.”

“If,” Myra said, “his fate were in my hand,
I’d send him to some rocky barren land,
To dig and delve;” “Yes,” Chloe soon replied,
“And cat the roots which nature has supplied.”
“Though last of all in this fair band of fame,

Let me,” cried Thais, “your attention claim:
Though young, perhaps, I may this day impart
A way to punish that will please each heart. [Page 67]
While driving yesternoon along the street,
I chanced a great big black dray horse to meet,

His head and face were with a bridle bound,
And leathern straps about his mouth went round.
I asked my father why he was confined,
And for what purpose were the straps designed,
He said the horse was very apt to bite

Those ladies who might come within his sight,
To avert the danger that might thus arise,
They placed a muzzle just below his eyes.
My plan would be, if the fair court’s agreed,
Much in the self-same manner to proceed.”

“Bravo! agreed! yes, yes,” each member cries,
And shouts of approbation filled the skies.
    “Silence! the court you say are all agreed,
Mercator’s mouth to muzzle for this deed.
Let him be called, and hear the high decree

Which justice grants to Albyn’s modesty.”
    “Hear, Mercator, hear! what we now decide
Is justly due to injured Albyn’s pride. [Page 68]
The court decrees you must for some short time,
Without delay, be muzzled for your crime,

And on your future conduct will depend,
The day when this sad punishment will end.”
    “Whate’er the court decrees I shall obey,
I trust too, not far distant is the day
Your lost esteem my conduct will regain,

And my submission your regard obtain.”
    The Court dissolved, Mercator walked away,
And ended thus, “The Freaks of Christmas Day!” [Page 69]